Dedeker: Oh yes. Episode One: Intro to Relationship Anarchy. The Relationship Anarchy smorgasbord is like a buffet of relational styles, commitments, and expectations [7]. This points to the uniqueness of each of us. Once you both are done, you both can compare your mutual requirements, and begin working on the ones that dont match. That's something I really enjoy for collaborating on ideas with people. People can always contact me via email, M-A-X-X Hill.creates@gmail.com with RA Smrgsbord and the subject line. I find it very inspiring. It's a word that means an assortment of things or like a buffet with lots of different food to choose from. Domestic: yes. Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory podcast, we're talking about the relationship anarchy Smrgsbord. Most importantly, it is based on three pillars: Effective communication Empathy Willingness to express your emotions Relationship anarchy (RA), a term coined by Andie Nordgren, is a relationship philosophy which draws its tenets from political anarchy, the main one being that all relationships (romantic and otherwise) shouldn't be bound by any rules not agreed upon by the involved parties.What those relationships might look like may vary greatly from pair to pair, but there are several core values shared . Dedeker: Well good job, me. If you see something that feels off to you or like there's numerous conversations out there happening about possible changes, just go and maybe go try to find these groups that they're a part of the relationship anarchy Facebook group. It was like, I got it. I really want to use this, and I want to print it out. Gold at "one/two" and Chromium is a complex relationship to say the least. I love it. HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired): Remember to take care of yourself. I don't want to do homework in my relationship in which case I'm like, "Why are you listening to this podcast?" Dedeker: We're not going to talk about that, anyway. I just keep that in mind that it's not like you have to go through and somehow analyze each one. However, considering RA is not about labels, theres a smooth relationship transition, whether they are platonic or otherwise. What is right for the relationship and what isnt needs to be decided by the people involved in it. The categories are loose generalizations to help conversation and are arranged with those relating to the larger social/political systems toward the outside and the more personal toward the center. That you're interacting with it, going through it together that you're, and it reminds me of some other quizzes and things for like identifying your sexual desires with a partner or something like that, where the point of it is about each of you picking what are the things where I'm like definitely a yes or definitely a no, seeing how those line up. Relationship anarchy pretty much works by couples deciding to set their own boundaries. I was like put that you did that because I was looking up articles and I was like Dedeker Winston from the Multiamory podcast. I'm just trying to speak to like the kinesthetic, the more physical visual learners out there who maybe have a harder time codifying things just by like writing, and instead would benefit more from being able to physically move things around in space. This is a great tool to make sure that you're all on the same page with your relationship. Go nuts. You can have like three boards for free or something like that and all you need is the one for this or you can even put all of your different Smrgsbord on the same huge whiteboard if you want. They and some friends took anarchist principles and applied them to relationships, challenging the idea that a romantic partner should always be prioritised above everyone else, which is a key component of our monocentric culture. Relationship Anarchy is a relating philosophy and practice based in self-awareness and personal responsibility that honors autonomy, authenticity, and adaptability. That old chestnutNext critique that comes up for this is there's too many categories on this ding-dang thing. Dedeker: The funny thing is when I was in second grade, I thought that that's how homework worked actually. Dedeker: What this is is it's literally a chart. I think I stumbled upon it. Its an excellent idea to adjust, add, and subtract things in the smorgasbord to suit your needs. The relationship anarchy Smorgasbord finds its origins in December 2016 by Lyrica Lawrence and Heather Orr in Vancouver polyamory. I like that a lot. Jase: For those of you who are wondering about this word Smrgsbord, just as fun little trivia here. That's a great tool for discussion, especially early on in a relationship to see where your mindsets are at, to see what you're open to in the future, to see where you might want to go, and these decisions about what you want your relationship to look like they can be ever-changing. Sometimes, we're just not great at that. Essentially just a way to help determine what it is that you and your partner want out of a relationship or you and a partner, you and another person that maybe you're not in a romantic or sexual relationship with. All of these assumptions tied up in what relationship may mean, taking all the stuff that we shove into the concept of romantic or sexual relationship and deconstructing that. Emily: You get a Smrgsbord and you get a Smrgsbord. Its about respecting each others choices regardless of how selfish or stupid it is. Emily: Speaking of change, there's another quote from the Center for Growth.com that talks about that change that does happen in relationships and how to apply it to this form, this not test, it's a fun thing. Maybe that could be the whole focus of one discussion or one radar could just be, let's really look at the domestic one and really get what's a good fit for us living together, for example. Having a tool like this helps take off the burden from yourself, I think, to think about all these different aspects. Oh yes, sounds wonderful." The categories are loose gernalizations to help conversation, and are arranged with those relating to the larger social/political systems toward the outside, and the more personal toward the center. No matter how much freedom an anarchist enjoys in the relationship, with time, they seek more stability when it comes to connections. Dedeker: That's not the first time that that happened. Do we have shared accounts or shared financial responsibilities? In April there was version two and three and then September 2018 was version four. For instance, a mentor relationship. This blog will focus on answering questions about Queerplatonic relationships, Queerplatonic partners, and the aromantic spectrum. Our researcher for this episode is the fabulous Em Mais thank you so much for all of your help on this. You could print it out, you could take notes, you could highlight, you could circle or you could take notes separately as well but it's really, really good to be tracking those things. That can be really helpful, even as you're starting to date even before you might get to the point of sitting down with the Smrgsbord, you have a more of a sense of what types of things relationships can be and which ones you want and which ones you, that that might help give you some clarity, or you could potentially go through this and then have some other members of your polycule. It might be good, especially for ones that you really want to spend some time digging into. Then as we branch out, even further to the outer ring of this, we're looking at things like financial entanglements. Maybe you've never really had to encounter that because of the gender that you are. This is why, anarchists follow relationship anarchy smorgasbord developed by a few anarchists and posted first on Reddit polyamory forum. Our researcher for this episode actually had a discussion with Maxx Hill and they are the creator of versions two through five, the majority of the versions that are even out there. First day of school, first day of the relationship. As you just said so many of us grow up thinking that we know exactly what a sexual relationship or romantic relationship looks like, versus platonic relationship. Relationship anarchy smorgasbord Whether you are entering a fresh union or reconstructing an existing one out of the distinct these a practice, you should understand the deepness with the build. Here I'm going to read a quote from an article in mind-body green on what the heck relationship anarchy is. Dedeker: I do know. If you cross that off immediately, it can be helpful. Jase: Interesting. There's nothing wrong with liking boxes to contain your relationships, it works better for a lot of people (most people probably), but it's more a modification of the usual relationship package than a rejection of it. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. The idea of relationship anarchya term coined by Andie Nordgren is that people within a relationship are the complete and total agents of that . If I answer for the two of us it looks like this: Romantic: check. Adding the smorgasbord to your RADARs is another great idea, as is taking notes. I thought I was going to be the only one. Oh my God. That could be an interesting thing to do a deep dive on sometime in a future episode about that because when people want an organic relationship, that's always the question, right? We define our relationship, not society or what people say a relationship is supposed to look like. What matters is the Another quote from the Center for Growth is, "The idea of the RA Smrgsbord is that you have a Smrgsbord of different relational elements that can be included in different types of relationships and you and another person get to choose collaboratively exactly what you would like to include on your collective relationship platter.". If you are not also a huge relationship geek who is just like ostracized that relationship school, because you're too obsessed with your good grades and getting extra credit, then you're not part of the Multiamory family. Dedeker: A little bit later we are going to dive into more specifically what's actually on here, like what are . This is about the original quote of being flexible with the commitments rather than walking on the path society lay for them.. Well, monogamy is the practice of engaging in a romantic and sexual relationship with only one partner. We have covered this on a couple of episodes in the past but the term itself was first coined by Andy Nord grain in their 2006 essay titled "The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy." Lyrics, Song Meanings, Videos, Full Albums & Bios: Nothing, When the Suicide Lies Dead, Alea Iacta Est, Memories of a Murderer, Under Your Dead Hand, Marching Into Hell, We Are the Plague, Miss 21% Perfect, The Common Lie, Blanket of Black, Oath for an This approach encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and the relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is for you. 2021-03-21. You can find. Just spend time exploring each other without any boundaries. Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. It's a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail. Let's talk about what the heck relationship anarchy even is. It is just so interesting that I think that we just don't think about all the different ways that human beings can relate, honestly, at the end of the day and we don't think about customizing these things. Use tab to navigate through the menu items. Originating on Yes TV in 2017 as Kvodo, the legal thriller was created by Ron Ninio and Shlomo Mashiach, telling the story of a respected judge whose son is involved in a hit-and-run accident, leading to difficult choices and terrible consequences as he attempts to keep the crime a secret. Then it was updated by Maxx Hill with the guidance of the relationship anarchy polyamory and solo polyamory Facebook groups in April and September of 2018. Gross. Dedeker: We're going to do the brief backstory of relationship anarchy. That's the point, is to get you talking about those things and not taking for granted, that if I want this one, I have to do these others, or if I don't want this one, I can't do these other things that we can't have that. Melville is a poet and it shows. Further, they reject creating rules and hierarchies. Relationship anarchy (sometimes abbreviated RA) is the application of anarchist principles to intimate relationships. View Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord.jpeg from COM MISC at University of South Florida. In polyamory, people start engaging with different partners. Enjoy everyone. You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community by going to patreon.com/Multiamory. Emily: Yes. Dedeker: The reason why it's exciting to me is something that I have done with clients in the past specifically about non-monogamous aspects of their relationship is sometimes I will have clients essentially generate almost their own Smrgsbord of like all the possible aspects of a non-monogamous relationship like good, bad, ugly, everything in between. The smorgasbord talks about different relationship elements for various types of relationships. You can find out more about relationship anarchy across our backlog. Relationship Anarchy 101, and Episode 339: The Smorgasbord of Relationships. So what is Relationship Anarchy (RA) and how is it different from other relationships sanctioned by society? Suggested notations are, yes, maybe, maybe in the future, and let's talk. Holmbo. 51:04. That is something we are comfortable with in certain arenas, like the conversation about cohabiting or starting a family together or becoming coworkers that those are arenas where we do recognize like, "Okay, there has to be some intentionality and discussion behind this," and it's okay to extend that into other aspects of our relationships and it doesn't make it any less organic. How do you best communicate, and how frequently? Again, the whole idea is that using terms like romantic relationship while it can be useful as a shorthand explanation for other people. How one connects to the partner or ways to run a relationship should be on them. Jase: I just think it's that thing that it only seems non-organic when you're looking at it from the outside, but once you're actually using it, I feel like it takes so much of the guesswork out of things. This is a quote directly from them about where you can find more of their work. Then figuratively means a wide selection of things and it comes from--. Even as you drill down, you're customizing and in this example, it might be like, "Yes, we want to share a home, but I would actually rather have separate rooms.". Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. We're going to do that at some point in the future and this week in lieu of a bonus episode, just please check out and support Maxx's work. If you are more suited to sexually, socially, and emotionally monogamous relationships, you can still adhere to a . It's so interesting to see all the creativity and to see tools like this, like really evolve and grow and change out of time and just be born out of necessity essentially. You go, Okay, we have this power hierarchy in a way, where you're the one who handles my mail and controls that. Do we want daily, do we want monthly, do we want it inconsistently? "I have been working with it for four or five years now. It even has blanks on it for you to write in extra stuff yourself. My wife and I do a bunch of these together. The partnership, with time, changes to autonomy but how they connect with their partner totally depends on them. Then it was a quote for me and I was like, "Oh, hell yes." Its values include autonomy, anti- hierarchical practices, anti- normativity, and community interdependence. Some sections that we don't think of in polyam circles very often but that get to the heart of this being an RA document intended for all relationships include Hierarchy/Power Differences (this category includes being Boss and Employee, or Mentor and Mentee); Collaboration; and the Labels section includes being Chosen Family and literal familial labels as well as colleagues and various possible romantic labels. Below, we'll include the relationship anarchy chart: Emotional Intimacy Sharing Vulnerability Emotional Support Confidante Words of Affection Physical Intimacy Cuddling Kissing Hand-Holding Dancing Massaging Sexual Intimacy Sexual Acts It has blanks to fill in your own options in almost every category, because relationship anarchist philosophy allows for uniqueness of circumstances and no graphic could include everything, and the text with instructions suggests indicating whether certain categories and activities are "Yes, Maybe, Maybe in the future, No," or color-coding your answers about whether or how often you want to include them in a given relationship. There's little spaces to write below each section. It's so intended to be a starting place of how you can have these conversations and talk about customizing your relationship and how it's going to look, and what's going to be in it. Thank you so much. Dedeker: There's also many different ways that you can choose to express your interest in each category. It's like, what are they actually referring to? I think it is really important for people to be very clear so that no one feels like power imbalances and people are being taken advantage of or they're very aware of the hierarchy that's there. The smorgasbord talks about different relationship elements for various. Closer to the center, there are things that are maybe more personal, for instance. Our social media wizard is Will McMillan. What communication frequency do we want? That within those, each of those words within it, you also pick and choose from those. Mar 2, 2022 - Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. My type of QPR probably looks a lot like a ma rried couple who are comfortable being around each other. Dedeker: I think fortunately/unfortunately what we've learned, I think, especially from being in the non-monogamous community is that when you're in a relatively small community, unfortunately, there can be some overlap in some of these relationships. This strikes me as being the modular version of the usual relationship model. Considering the rules of this practice dont map the norm, it is important to act like a superhero at times. Doing shared activities, having shared interests, having intellectual or philosophical discussions. It just means that if one of you wants to add or subtract anything on the relationship Smrgsbord that you should approach the other person and have a conversation about whatever it is that you'd like to change. This all came from M and they said, also that the board that we talked about today, it had a lot of community input from. Anyway, some things to think about when you're using this chart. It's a graphic/worksheet that you can download here, for talking about some of the more common options you might want to implement in relationships. Legal Connections Face-to-face Financial Sexual Power of attorney Frequency Involving genitals, anus Adoption Some people find that helpful. Another difference between a solo poly vs relationship anarchy is structure. They also strongly recommended taking notes. Pre-identifying as a (monogamous) relationship anarchist, this stuff used to give me a headache. Sex can be a part of the relationship, but thats not necessarily, a part of the deal. It does not have any rules. Dedeker: You out there can find out more about relationship anarchy. Looking at this practice from a quote points out that it is custom-tailored to fit the needs of every relationship exclusively. It is also to acknowledge the inevitability of change. Say if you're in other you're in a polycule or with close friends or something like that, have them fill it out for themselves and then compare just to talk about it, just to have the fun of discussing this, even if they're not someone that you're actively doing the Smrgsbord with yourself. I was like, "Oh I'm going to get her on this.". They also tend to limit expectations placed on other people and set their own adventures. You align with the other person and can collaboratively choose items from different platters. I am still pretty new to poly, and I am trying to figure everything out. There's a little bubble around emotional intimacy. Relationship Anarchists believe that if you understand its a polygamous relationship form the start, then both parties are trustworthy since theres no need to hide anything. I think a common critique that comes up about honestly any intentional relationship tool or conversation is, "Oh, but this doesn't lend itself to organic relationships." Dedeker: If it's consensual and ethical, you could. There's some different options that you could go about with that. Then I saw the quote and I was like "Wow, they put that really well." All right. A. There has there was once where on Twitter like someone tagged me in like a they made an image of a quote. Then bord, which means table, like a board, like a board of wood that you put food onto, and that it is Smrgsbord, not Shmorgasbordg. As you can see, it's updating and going through different iterations over time. Our production assistants are Rachel Schenewerk and Carson Collins. Dedeker: That was a little bit of a rude awakening in second grade. We'll include links to the board in the description for this episode on our website, as well as on our social media this week, but if you can't find it there, you can also just do a search online for it, relationship anarchy Smrgsbord, and you'll find it. Even though of course, so many of us were brought up to have this cultural understanding of "Well, this is what a friendship looks like, versus "This is what a romantic relationship looks like," versus "This is what a casual sexual relationship looks like." Click here for ways you can support positive change through petitions, demonstrations, and donation. Instead of depending on the one sanctioned by the society, the ones falling under this practice set their own rules about how the relationship should work. We're okay with sleeping together, we're okay with nudity, and we want to incorporate kink, but maybe we're not okay with actually a romantic experience or a domestic experience together." ". Emily: In an article called Your Relationship Needs a Blueprint by Sue Sutherland. folks in the RA community. Emily: Everyone let's pull out our boards and if you're following along, or if you already have your own relationship anarchy Smrgsbord, then maybe you can pull it out right now and take a look. You align with the other person and can collaboratively choose items from different platters.
